In the introduction I explained how unfulfilled expectations can create the environment for emotional triggers to be pushed. The roots of these triggers are usually fears associated with unhealed emotional wounds formed between the ages of birth through 18 years old. These wounds are usually created by the actions of authority figures and the reactions caused by the triggers are directly related to the severity of the wound.
The first step in the sequence is when an expectation is brought
to light by an issue or problem. If the expectation is not fulfilled or a solution agreed upon, the trigger will be cocked back. In order to stop the bullet from being fired, both partners need to do their part to prevent this from happening.
The Sending Partner needs to:
• Break through the veil of denial concerning the existence and origin of their fears and insecurities.
• Become consciously aware of the fears and be able to differentiate which layer of the cake the issue is really about.
• Own the issue and realize that it is about them.
• Be calm, humble and honestly share their deepest fears and pain with their partner.
• Seek help to learn the skills and techniques to minimize the effect their wounds have on their ability to have rational, safe, calm, honest and loving communication.
The Receiving Partner - When the sending partner is disappointed and upset, the receiving partner often senses that their mate is having negative feelings and reactions about something. Ask yourself how many times you have ignored these signals from your partner because you did not want to deal with the ramifications of opening that can of worms or better yet, say to yourself, I’ll just ignore it and hope it goes away.
At this point the receiving partner has a choice of either pouring salt on the wound or applying a soothing ointment to help their partner heal the exposed wound. Next time you recognize your partner is upset, try something new. Start by letting down your defenses and remind yourself that it is not about you. As your partner is talking, look them in the eyes, listen with compassion and genuine empathy.
Links Related to
The Cycle of Conflict in Relationships - Part 2 - Stage 1 of the Conflict
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Mirror back to your partner to make sure they know you understand the issue, validate their feelings and give authentic affection and abundant TLC!
Doesn’t that sound so easy? If only we could all remember and follow those suggestions, what a better place the world would be. But the reality is most of us don’t. The question is why don’t we and why do so many couples have such a hard time successfully communicating with their partner?
I believe if both partners are willing to accept radical personal responsibility for their feelings and actions, they could begin to see the cake for what it really is. A magnificent two layer cake they have the opportunity to discover together and appreciate the delicious flavors. They can give and receive pleasure from feeding each other lovingly and successfully resolve any issue or problem that comes along.
Unfortunately, most of us are to stubborn, too conditioned or just plain lazy and not willing to commit to ourselves and the relationship to do what ever it takes to be honest and learn the skills and tools to stop the cycle of conflict from destroying their happiness, lives and relationship.
In Part 3 of The Cycle of Conflict, I will describe Stage 2. I will explain how the Sending and the Receiving partner can stop the cycle at stage 2. I will list the different projectiles that can be fired at each other and the actions that would need to be taken for couples to peacefully and successfully resolve the issues and problems that face most couples today.
Glenn Cohen
©“I-TO-WE” Relationship Coaching© / www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com